Often described as a festering mass, thrashing about in the muddy black waters at the bottom of the stinking pub toilet of your mind.
The unloved and unwanted result of a nasty drunken fling between irrational thought and sinister intention, so abhorent that neither parent could stomach it.
Chewing on the stained yellow bones of long dead circus clowns and TV gameshow hosts - it hums a haunting, distorted melody to itself. A serial killer's nursery rhyme. A beautiful poem, spat through a mouthful of broken teeth...
... It's a bunch of morons who get horribly boozed up together and eventually vomit up some generally ridiculous music, laced with huge riffs and horror-score styled keyboards. Big harmonies and sweet melodies to hide the atrocious and ever offensive lyrical content that's guaranteed to make you physically (and in some cases, mentally) ill...
Meet the band
Claude Van SatanReal name: Claudius Van Satan
DOB: 666 AD
Blood Type: Lava
Legal Status: Citizen of Hell, Second Circle
Maximus Van Satan - Father (deceased, soul vanquished in Netherworld War II)
Hilaria Labia - Mother (deceased, martyred prostitute)
Julius Van Satan - Uncle, primary carer from age 3
Claude was raised by his Uncle Julius following the death of his father's soul in the 2nd great war between angels and demons. Claude never met his mother, but theologians have determined that she was most likely stoned to death or crucified for bumping ancient uglies with devil spawn.
Occupation: Televangelist, Cabaret Singer
Origin: Second Circle, Hell
An ancestor of The Prince of Darkness, Claude Van Satan is charming and seductive, with a temper more fiery and potent than a pit of scorpions. Besides having a predisposition for evil due to his devilish bloodline, all hope was lost for Claude during the war as he watched not only his father die, but his beloved Hellhound "Spot" die too.
Claude has been hunted by both Heaven and Hell ever since, after he was able to secure and transplant the "Idiot Dog Brain" (the all-powerful artefact the two forces were fighting so fiercely over) into Spot's head, so that his faithful, loveable mutt may live again.
See... He's not ALL bad!
Fatality 1: "The Devil Wears Reebok"Whilst wearing his 1994 Reebok "Kamikaze" Series I basketball shoes, Claude leaps into the air and delivers the cleanest, meanest spinning roundhouse kick known to man, sending the opponent's head flying from their shoulders.
Fatality 2: "Aint Nothin' But a Hellhound Dog"Claude snaps his fingers. In an instant, Claude's dog "Spot" explodes out of the ground and proceeds to viciously maul the opponent, then drag them back down to the pits of Hell from whence he came.
DR SHREDRIK HEKKERZReal name: Schreidreich Jakobie Krankhechen
DOB: 29 October 1897 (has died and been re-animated several times)
Hair: Black and grey
Blood Type: B Negative... always B Negative
Legal Status: Dual citizenship for Australia and Germany, wanted in 11 countries
Dr Günter Krankühechen - father (deceased)
Ava Krankühechen - mother, formerly Ava Alth¸nden (deceased)
Bernhardt Krankhechen - Brother (deceased)
It is believed Shredrik unintentionally murdered his family in a laboratory accident, resulting in the loss of his sanity and humanity.
Occupation: Mad Scientist, even Madder Guitarist
Origin: Belstadt, Germany
Shredrik lost most of his sanity early on with the death of his parents, and has since spent every moment in his secret underground laboratory experimenting with the genetic engineering of old guitars and living tissue. Shredrik is wanted in at least 11 countries for various crimes against humanity, as the living tissue is invariably that of unwilling participants.
Experiencing only a few sporadic moments of peace a day if he's lucky, Shredrik has found that playing his "cyborguitars" is the only way he can quiet the voices in his head, that continuously scream at him to finally find a way to re-animate the mysterious "Idiot Dog Brain" that his father fished out of the sea so long ago...
Fatality 1: "Frankenriff"Shredrik plays a riff so heavy and intense, it explodes the brains and genitals of anyone within a 16.8 mile radius. This move has been known to cause spontaneous pregnancy (in both males and females).
Fatality 2: "Hekk-tic Burn"Shredrik parries a verbal insult from the opponent and in turn, delivers such a fierce and witty retort, it causes the opponent to physically catch fire.
GENERAL ZORBReal name: Troy Zorbison
DOB: 4 July 1939
Hair: Grey tufts
Eyes: none (formerly blue, before vaporisation)
Blood Type: Dust (formerly Type-O Negative... Everyone I Love is Dead, hehe!)
Legal Status: Legally deceased (formerly Australian citizen)
Roy Zorbison - father (deceased)
Joy Zorbison - mother (deceased)
Agent of Intergalactic Zombie Doom (former General in the Australian Army, and bloody reliable in the back pocket... but you could put him anywhere really - on the ball, centre-half forward, chuck him on the wing. He's a booming kick outta half back and he can run for days!)
Origin: Gudonya, Australia
General Troy Zorbison was a bloody ripper of a true blue, ridgy-didge Aussie battler. The youngest General in the 'Straylian Army, having won countless medals for bravery, gallantry, crockery and tapestry - the young digger had made his parents, and his country, bloody proud! He had successfully defended Australia against any and every adversary that crossed his path with style and grace.
That is of course, until the Idiot Dog Brain attacked the earth! Cities fell, Countries wept, dogs and cats buried the hatchet. The world united in the face of the greatest threat it had ever faced, and none stood taller against the alien terror than Troy Zorbison.
...fuckin' lotta good he did though, as he was immediately vaporised by the Idiot Dog Brain. Unfortunately for poor ol' ridgy-didge Troy Zorbison, his fate didn't end with non-existence. No sir... The Idiot Dog brain instantly recognised the tactical and combat brilliance within Troy and brought him back to life... but only to serve as its undead General of Doom.
Fatality 1: "Bloody Ripper"Zorb fires multiple shots from his custom-built "Chainsaw Launcher" at the opponent. The result is...messy.
Fatality 2: "A Dingo Ate You, Baby!"Zorb gives a loud "Cooee". Within seconds, wild dogs rush his opponent and violently tear them limb from limb.
ZEN TZUKINIReal name: Unknown - he has a different name for every culture, religion, mythology etc.
Oy Vey Herschel - Judaism
Darth Grim - Jediism
Sharon - Ancient Greek Mythology
Immortal Wang (that's a real thing!) - Chinese Mythology
McDeath - Celtic Mythology/Shakesbeerian Mythology
He Who Must Not Be Named - Potterism
Raaah-Raaah Ra-ra-raaaah - Ancient Egyptian Mythology/Offspringism
Great Odin's Raven - Norse Mythology/Burgandyism
Angel of Death - Kerry Kingian Mythology (otherwise known as "Slayerism")
DOB: Eternal - no date of birth
Blood Type: Unknown (emits a black mist when wounded)
Legal Status: Mystic - does not apply
Known Relatives: None
Occupation: Soul Reaper, Dream Shaper, Time Bender, Plumber
Origin: Widely speculated, but unknown
According to legend, Zen was a soldier in The Army of the Ten Tzukinis - ten demons of death that existed long before time began. Their mission was simple - harvest the souls of those whose time had expired. They acted not out of malice, but merely followed the orders they received from their dark master, the "Idiot Dog Brain". They were a necessary evil, travelling to and from different worlds claiming souls to prevent over-population.
During one such expedition, Zen was tricked into harvesting the soul of an angel disguised as a demon. For his mistake, he was cast out of the Soul Palace and forced into exile on earth.
Lost and without a voice to guide him, Zen aimlessly wanders the globe killing and consuming any who cross his path, waiting for his army to allow him to return home.
Incidentally, if anyone needs a plumber - call 1800-HOT-PIPES
Fatality 1: "Any Soul Hole's the Goal"Zen transforms himself into a dark mist, enters the opponent's body through the nearest and most convenient orifice and then re-materialises, exploding their body in the process.
Fatality 2: "Sweet Soul Music"Zen's mind ultra-sonically emits a series of James Brown catch phrases that cause the opponent to "jump back" and "wanna kiss themselves", resulting in their head twisting completely off the body.
R.A.L.F (Ridiculous Alien Life Form)Real name: MoT 'el
DOB: Unknown (estimated sometime BC)
Weight: 32lbs (in natural form)
Blood Type: Liquid beryllium
Legal Status: Illegal alien (get it?)
Known Relatives: Unknown
Occupation: Human slave-master, former kindergarten teacher
Origin: Planet Zebes
Is there life on other planets? Unfortunately, the answer is yes. Enter R.A.L.F...
Not much is known about R.A.L.F, but one thing is for certain - this guy does NOT come in peace! Hand-picked by the governing entity of Zebes (The Idiot Dog Brain), R.A.L.F's mission is simple - enslave Earth's greatest minds and formidable soldiers, then eradicate the rest.
The mission was going all too well, until the hostile alien came across an unoccupied drum-kit. With the ability to alter his form at will, he spends his days disguised as a human, and the world's greatest drummer. He still poses a genuine threat, but these days it's only to anyone foolish enough to try and separate him from his drum-kit.